Builders

Builder v. 1. The process of turning good quality input materials into poor quality products.

Third World Ingenuity

Climate Change

How do you answer this?

I was related a story this morning that I found really funny so amidst the doom and gloom of everyday life in south africa:

This actually happened in Holland where a South Africa couple were staying for a while. One morning they woke up and the wife asked the husband to go and get some food for breakfast and gave him 30 guilders with which to buy it. On the way, just around the corner in fact, he walked past a prostitute who gave him some 'come hither' looks and fancying himself as a bit of a player he entered into a conversation with the woman. After a bit of chit chat he got down to the nitty gritty and inquired about the price - 100 Guilders was the answer and so the bargaining began. She dropped her price down to 80 and he was offering 30 and eventually she asked how much he had at which point he opened his wallet and showed her the 30 guilders. "30 Guilders, I won't even do a hand job for that!" she retorted indignantly and they both went their separate ways.
A week later he was leaving his flat with his wife on his arm and they walked around the same corner and lo and behold, bumped into the same prostitute. "See what you get for 30 Guilders" she commented as they walked past.
Now, I ask you. What exactly do you say to your wife at that moment that isn't going to result in celibacy?

More electrical humour

Women aren't what they used to be either ...

... and the 90% of men that are heterosexual breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Pass me the, hic, whiksky pleash ...

Burglars aren't what they used to be ...

Sunday morning was going to be a nice gentle ride with He who shall remain nameless. I was just waking up when I received a message informing me that He would be late as they had had an attempted burglary. Although we do live in a crime ridden environment it still isn't an everyday affair so it was a relief that everyone was fine and the would be burglar was languishing in jail.

During the ride the whole story came out bit by bit. It started at 04:00 with the fence alarm going off and loud noises at the door or window. He, obviously, called the security company and the cops and they arrived in due course to catch the miscreant who was still on the property. They knew this because He had re-armed the fence and it hadn't gone off again but after 30 minutes of searching they couldn't find him and this is not a big piece of ground we're talking about here. The mystery of the vanishing burglar was resolved as dawn broke and he could be seen perched on the top of the water tower - an ingenious place to hide but one entirely lacking in an escape route.
An hours worth of trying to get him down was eventually brought to an end by the promise of a cigarette which he gratefully accepted and started to climb down. It took him an inordinate amount of time to climb down and the reason for this became clear when he reached the ground and picked up his crutches and hobbled over to get his cigarette. I had to concentrate on staying on my bicycle at this point as images of the burglar gaping it over the veld with a TV on one shoulder, crutches flying ... You get the picture I'm sure.

By now, He - the would be victim, was starting to feel quite sorry for the burglar and asked the burglar what he was trying to steal. The burglar didn't really know but said that he was really hoping to get shot in which case he would've ended up in hospital. At least there are beds there and food every day but it gives you an indication just how utterly desperate sections of our society are becoming.

Of course, the burglar could be lying through his crutches but somehow I don't think so. I think that we are going to see more and more people that are utterly destitute in our society and it is incumbent on those of us that have the wealth to spread it around.

Tibet 'n All

Catholics come out of the dark ages 500 years after everyone else

I've picked up in the media that there is a new list of mortal sins published by the Vatican as follows:

• Environmental pollution
• Genetic manipulation
• Accumulating excessive wealth
• Inflicting poverty
• Drug trafficking and consumption
• Morally debatable experiments
• Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

I have a couple, ok, more than a couple of questions on this:

• Since the Catholic church is one of the largest landowners worldwide, just how much does one actually have to accumulate to commit the sin of "excessive wealth"? Maybe this list is only meant for catholics but not the Catholic Church itself?
• Does this replace the previous list of mortal sins in which case catholicism is going to be a very attractive spiritual home for many, many people?
• Is pride, envy, gluttony, lust anger, greed and sloth acceptable behaviour now? It would sure sort out all the problems with priests getting caught with their habits down, these habits now being deemed acceptable.
• Does the previous list of mortal sins now become known as the immortal sins and do you achieve immortality if you practice them?
• Exactly how do I go about inflicting poverty on someone? If anyone knows, I have a couple of people (mostly politicians) that I think would seriously benefit from coming to be known as "formerly wealthy".
  

Bafana Bafana

My weekly read of the Mail&Guardian sometimes turns up some surprising stuff such as the explanation as to why our national soccer team persists in performing so poorly.

"Mlungisi Sikhonde, a traditional healer based in Alexandra, Johannesburg, confirmed that he had been approached by football players and believes that the muti he gives them enhances their performance. "It really works if you mix it well. Soccer players come back asking for more muti; they say it opens door that were locked. Sometimes I advise them to put it in their socks. It really works; even if you're unfit you can still score goals", Sikhonde said"

Hmmm! and all this time I thought that it was the coach or the political intrigues of the PSL or the clubs or the players. How wrong can one be, they clearly aren't using Mr Sikhones' muti as much as they should be! Alternatively, maybe the powder is foot specific and they've been putting the left boot powder in the right boot and vice versa. That could also explain it!

For all those first world oke's out there thinking "No wonder Africa is so backward" the first world equivalent is praying for victory before a sporting fixture while the opposition does likewise and then ascribing victory to the intervention of said deity.

I forgot to recount

On the second day of the Sani2C Jason took a tumble. The story goes, with slight embellishments by yours truly, that he was overtaken by a comely woman and forgot to watch where he was going. In other words he was perving and this resulted in an altercation with a rock which the rock won hands down. After flying through the air like superman, he landed flat on top of another rock but amazingly no ribs were broken just a little bit banged up and it was only after getting back onto his bike and riding that he became aware that his forearm really hurt due to the large graze suffered in the fall. Nothing one can do about it so he ignored it until later on in the day.

When we were chatting later on he was showing me his war wound and mentioned that he really needed to put some antiseptic something on it. Fortunately for him, I happened to have something that would do just the trick. As I was pulling the bottle out he looked anxiously at it remarking "That's not mecurochrome is it because that hurts like blazes?". I assured him that it wasn't and sprayed the methiolate all over the graze and watched as he turned white from the pain - methiolate is significantly more painful than mecurochrome. Writing about it now, I feel kind of bad that I gloated in someone else's pain but given the state that I myself was in - it can not be said that I was of sound mind and there is definitely a truism in that if one is having a tough time, all you have to do is find someone that is having an even tougher time and you feel instantly better.

Stuff White People Like

For an interesting view on "Stuff White People Like" have a look at the following link

New album released by ...

The humour is flowing thick and fast, this one was too good not to share.

Electricity? Whats that?

While I was sitting at work in the gloom listening to the drone of the generator which unfortunately doesn't power the lights, I came across the following priceless advert by our beloved electricity (not)provider.



The fine print, enlarged below, brings tears to my eyes and if I didn't know better I would have concluded that Eskom had a sense of humour after all.



It's such a pity that Eskom hasn't put anything other than thought into our dire situation.

Power Not

Power is something Africa just seems to struggle with. When it comes to political power it is next to impossible to 'turn' off whereas when it comes to electrical power keeping it on seems to be equally impossible.

I sit here at work in darkness with a headlamp on so that I can see what I am typing. For a change, it is not Eskoms fault, one phase in the building supply has literally blown up so two phases work which has lead to some rather wierd goings one. Like, my laptop is still powered but not another plug anywhere. To make things worse, it didn't fail completely but gracefully degraded to a point that the UPS kicked in but that the generator didn't. Darkness in the server room, no das blinkin lights. ^*&^***!

In addition most of northern suburbs Johannesburg was without power for most of the day today while Eskom 'load shed'. I think maybe a ritual execution at dawn of Telkom employees is in order - starting with the top for getting us into this position in the first place. Load shedding sounds like Eskom is having a dump and it is us, those who pay their salaries, that the said dump is landing on. Load shedding also makes it sound like it is a voluntary exercise which it is most definitely not - at least not from my point of view.

Some pictures to illustrate -



We've just been away for the weekend and I think that I have seen the future of lighting in South Africa.



Gas Lights - at least they work and when they don't you know that the cylinder is empty and you should get a new one not some lilly livered excuse like 'load shedding'.

That time of the year ...

Banff Film Festival

Some pretty creative ways to die without getting accused of suicide. If you watch carefully you will see a couple of films whose actors are no longer with us. Death notwithstanding, what an amazing set of footage. Just what people are capable of on ski's, mountainbikes, parachutes and rock climbing is absolutely amazing but thankfully, I have no desire to emulate them.
The one that sticks in my mind is that of a skier looking over a huge cliff which he is intending on jumping off. The cliff must have been about 100m high and as he launched himself over the edge something must have gone wrong and he came down with his ski's in helicopter mode - Headfirst into a snowdrift. All you could see was his two ski's on top of the snow with him buried underneath, unbelievably he survived! The film is highly recommended even if it is only to see what you will never, ever, ever do.

Brand loyalty undone

In South Africa as, I am sure, in the rest of the world the larger chain stores try to build brand loyalty by giving out cards to their customers on favourable terms so that they will shop in their, as opposed to their competitors, stores. This seems to work pretty well in general although every now an again things go a bit pear shaped as shown by the sign on the counter of a woolies store.



I wonder how many times the cashier had to explain that, no, woolies cards are not accepted here and, yes, it is a woolies store and no, it doesn't make any sense and yes, the guys at head office don't know what they are doing.

If you feel like this ...

Apply for leave right NOW!

Global Warming

In light of the recent deluges it has become apparent that maybe we need to evolve somewhat to be more marine like. In an effort to get a head start on everyone else, go and buy yourself a pair of the latest fashion shoes from paris.